On Love

11 December 2009

No regrets for loving! I am the love I felt, the love I feel, the love I give. To fall in love with love. To love! That is the essence. That is the truth. To love as the greatest achievement, the ultimate fulfillment. To live, I love!

From the first ghost I loved, a figment of my imagination, a man I created in my ingenuous yet fervid fantasy when I was still a child. The man with the marble gaze. To this man I gave a name, a face, even a voice; yet he was only an idea, an alibi of love... Only so that I could love!

From the first teenage flirts, even the ones who never new. Oh, I loved! Sometimes cautious of revealing it, as from a distance, fearful of the violation of my feelings, often alone, walking in the darkness, lost in altered dreams, but ever so intensely, so completely, so painfully I loved!

From the great passions of the senses, the deep desires of the flesh. The daring, consuming yearning of overcoming fears unknown. With every whisper, every tremor, the satisfaction of pleasures given. In temerarious abandon, in reckless transport, with skin, with soul, with heart, with longing.... I loved!

From the love that never lived, the never spoken love. A love that lives in memories of drives into the night, of half told parodies of life, of chords played to the stars, of hands afraid of soiling the delicate essence of pure love. The love that cold stone seals, that flowers just remind. So quietly, I loved!

To the man I chose as my husband, the coronation of my dream of love, the realization of all my fantasies. The love that brought sunshine even on rainy days, the love that made me whole, that taught me to share my love, to feel and crave another’s love. The love that smiled at me, that made a family, that brought our children, made me a mother. For the first time out in the sun, I loved!

To the love that overflows my heart for my children. The untamable, un-drainable and yet so soft and tender love that only a mother can feel. A love so fierce that can make one fight a giant or lift a mountain, yet so delicate and ethereal to silence a baby’s cry with just a smile. The most unconditional, un-choosing, all-forgiving love. So selflessly, I love!

To the love I feel for you, my friend, so far and so uncertain, so ephemeral and gentle. When I close my eyes and reach my hand to yours that isn’t here; when I treasure every word, every giggle, every sigh, to create a memory in my mind of what may have never been. When I yearn and fear, and cling so strongly to the ground of cruel reality. So desperately, I love!